Changing sleep associations

 

Changing sleep associations is probably one of the most common difficulties parents struggle with in regard to their little ones’ sleep.

  Sometimes parents are unaware that this is what they are truly wanting or needing to do.  They just know that what they are doing right at this time is no longer working for them and their baby.  Typically the scenario is that the parents are exhausted, teary and feeling frustrated.  Their baby is crying and screaming “constantly” or what feels to them like constantly, their baby looks tired with bags under their eyes and catnaps or only sleeps with mum or dad, being rocked, held or fed.  In essence their baby “needs” them to go to sleep and long sleeps which are therapeutic are non existent.

 Typically, I hear “I need help, when can you come?”  

For most parents who find themselves in this situation, even being able to think clearly enough to change what they are doing can be difficult in itself.  This is often the case that parents can’t see the “wood for the trees”.

 Luckily this scenario can be changed.  How long it takes depends on many factors.  How the parents feel, their beliefs and values, their baby’s temperament and how long the practice of what they have been doing has been going on.

Babies and toddlers love routine or habit.  Habits make their world predictable so they can judged what will happen and this gives them security and comfort when they can predict their world a little.

So when we want to change what they know, they will not like it initially even if it is in their best interests such as getting better sleep.  They don’t know it is for the better , just that it is different to what they know and trust.

 Hence,  if this habit has been happening for many months rather than weeks, it will take longer to change.  It is similar  to adults.  If we have been doing something for many years , that habit is harder to change than one that we have only had for a number of months or weeks.

With that in mind,  when you start to change a sleep habit, or association, for your baby, be prepared for it to take  some time for your baby to be ok with it.

How to Lengthen Day sleep

Is it possible to lengthen my baby’s day sleep? is a frequent question I hear.  It seems that for some it is an issue and others not so.
Basically see what your baby needs.  Some may be quite happy to have a number of shorter sleeps in the day.  Others very obviously need to have at least one longer sleep in the day because of their behaviour.
If your baby is cranky or unhappy a lot of the time in the day it may be that he or she needs more sleep even if he or she is getting some sleep already.

Here are 3 tips that may help lengthen your baby’s sleep time

1. Catch early tired signs:

If your baby is going to bed already over tired it is harder for him or her to get to sleep initially and then to stay asleep just because they feel yukky from being over tired.  Think about when you are over tired .  It  usually takes a long time to go to sleep by which time you feel even more cranky and frustrated because you just want to sleep.

2. Watch what ,if any, sleep associations your  little one needs for sleep:

A sleep association is something your little one needs to go to sleep.  As adults we may have a favourite pillow, need a blanket on etc to sleep well.  These are all sleep associations that are helpful. If your baby has a sleep association that is not there when he or she comes into a light sleep, it may prevent him or her from going back to sleep in the next cycle.

3. Be persistent:

If you can see that your little one needs more sleep, keep at it. Your little one is too immature to decide this for him or herself.  This is where as a parent, it is up to you to seek out ideas, tips or strategies to help, to implement them and to stick with it. Your baby’s age will affect how long it will take to teach something new. A younger baby may not have habits ingrained as much as an older baby. It takes time to form a  new habit which is basically what we are doing. We are teaching something new.  A lot of parents give up too soon.  Keep at it and it will change.

Helping your baby to get more sleep will bring it’s own rewards.  Your baby will be so much happier.  In addition you will enjoy him or her even more and you will feel happier that your little one is happier. Babies thrive when they are well rested just as we do.

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How to cope when nothing seems to be working!

Something I get asked often by new parents is how to cope with  a new baby when everyone is exhausted and crying. This is a normal situation for most new parents at some stage.

The good news it doesn’t last long and soon you will have things down pat. Take comfort in the knowledge that it is almost a rite of passage as a new parent.  You are not the only one to have felt like this.  It’s a fact- most new parents feel overwhelmed and lost when going home for the first time with their new baby.
And to make matters worse, they feel an overwhelming pressure to be perfect parents and get it “right”.
Here are just a few tips to help you when things just don’t seem to be going your way.

1. Remember your self care- have time out just for you.

This is my number one rule – not even a tip, for new parents particularly but important no matter who you are.
Remember that you are a person too. Before you became a parent you had interests and hobbies. You did things just for yourself. It is healthy for everyone if you continue to do something for just yourself regularly. A baby is a 24 hour a day job. Imagine if you had to perform in your job 24 hours a day , 7 days a week, year in , year out. You would be exhausted and probably not very effective at your job. You will be a better parent if you take time out for yourself regularly. It may not be the same activities or the same amount of time that you spend on your activities  as before you became a parent.  It is still important however that you do it. Even if it is only 5 mins a day, half an hour a week or once a month. It may be going for a walk around the block, going window shopping, having a coffee with a friend, reading a book from the library for 15 mins or just having a relaxing bath.
You will be a better more effective parent if you have time out from your baby and get some me time. You will probably enjoy your baby even more too and be able to think more clearly about what your baby needs from you.

2. Accept all offers of help.

Often times new parents feel like they “should” be able to manage everything that is associated with  coming home with a newborn baby.  They often see other parents who seemingly handle it all with ease,  grace and confidence.
An important fact is that all new parents feel like you.
Another important fact is that it takes a village to raise a child.  This is because caring for a baby particularly is a 24 hour a day job as we mentioned above
For this reason we ideally encourage you to have a relative or friend stay with you to help for at least the first 6 weeks.  Ideally the first 3 months of help would be even better.  Babies start to be less intensive from around the 12 weeks mark and new parents often find their parenting is becoming really enjoyable and easier around this time.
Accept all offers of help no matter how seemingly minor, even if it is from people you don’t know well, particularly, if they have been in your shoes.  It may be a neighbour, you don’t know well, who comes around with a lasagne for you out of the blue. Someone may offer to vacuum.
Accept any offers for them if not yourself. People feel good when they can help someone else. Look at the recent floods that were devastating in Brisbane and Bundaberg and the “mud army” that appeared.  People like to help.
The important point is that you aren’t expected to be able to do it all on your own in the beginning.
Go gently on yourself.  It will all fall into place in time.  Think of it as a brand new job with no manual, no boss and  no targets.  Ask for help and accept help. We all need help at some time with different things.

3. Relax about the cleanliness  and tidiness of the house.

A common concern for new mothers is to be able to do as much in the house when you have the baby as you were able to before the baby came along. For most women, prior to the baby’s arrival, they were at work full time. Of course they managed to run a house and keep it clean and everything else that goes with it and hold down a full time job.
A common thought is “I’ll be home all day. I’ll probably get bored. Of course I’ll be able to do everything”.
How much time caring for a baby takes up can be surprising. Even when others inform you of how it was for them, it can seem unreal that this little person takes up so much time, energy and patience. Often times you will feel like you are doing nothing but holding them. This is an important part of caring for a newborn. It is the crux of their care. Newborns are building trust and cuddling them is part of it. Feeding also takes a long time initially. As time goes on, they get more mature and you develop a system or routine, it does take less time.
Some women have a plan of doing one thing a day. This might be to vacuum the lounge on Monday, Wash on Tuesday, do the bathroom on Wednesday etc.
Others elect to get a cleaner once a week, fortnight or once a month even just to do the basics.
Of course if friends or family offer to help out with this we encourage to take them up on the offer.