“ BEING WITH”

A note that is a little different today about truly “being with” someone.

The past few weeks have been quite emotional for me. Early in January , my fathers’ companion passed away after a long illness.
Then over the past week or so my beloved grandmother has been unwell. It is inevitable that she will soon pass away too. Until a few weeks ago she was caring for herself almost completely independently.
As much as this brings me to tears, as she will be missed, the tears are also of joy and pride. She has had a fantastic life with highs and lows and she has soldiered on giving all of her offspring a great role model to follow. She always said ”You just have to keep going”.
Right now she is cared for and surrounded by her family in her own home. For me this is the essence of being with.

I know I always talk about it in regard to babies. It doesn’t just apply to babies though.

Being with someone at the hardest and most painful of times is the biggest compliment someone can give you. To allow someone in at that time is a huge act of love. And to the person or persons invited to witness these times it is the highest privilege.
I am proud of my aunts for taking on her care in her home. None of them are nurses, so the hows and whys of caring for someone needing so much care is new for them. They continue to manage beautifully with the expert advice of the palliative care team who have been absolutely wonderful.
I cared for my mother in our home many years ago when she passed away, and as much as it was a very tough time it is also one of the most rewarding of my life. The gift is to the carer, not the other way around.
I have long been an advocate of caring for our dying at home right up until their last breath simply because I know first hand the rewards it brings.
If we can remember to just “be with” at all those difficult times and not just try to fix it or make it go away or make it better, but help them through it by just being there, you will be amazed at the difference in your strength and stamina.
So when you are feeling like you need to “fix” a difficult situation for someone think again. Give them the compliment of believing in them and just be with them as they negotiate their way.

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Stop the baby crying

Stop the baby crying

When we hear a baby cry for an extended period,  at times  we may hear someone say just stop the baby crying. Babies cry for a reason, the difficult thing sometimes is to work out what the reason is.
Sometimes it is easy.  You may know that your little one hasn’t had a feed for a while and may be hungry. You may think” I haven’t checked his or her nappy for a little while- maybe that is uncomfortable”.  May be it has gotten more hot or cold and your little is uncomfortable with that.
These times it is easy to fix and when you do it will stop the baby crying.
However at other times it is not so easy.  These are the times when for most parents it becomes stressful , particularly when out in public and especially when you are on your own or in a new or unsupportive environment.
These are the times when you may think just help me stop the baby crying.  You may be feeling others eyes on you and wonder what they are thinking.  You may get the unwanted stares and frowns from unhelpful strangers.  It is easy to just want to stop the baby crying or alternatively wish you were swallowed up into a dark hole and disappear right in that moment.
Take heart.  Most people do not think  this at all.  Most people are empathising with you.  Most people have been in your shoes and know what you are feeling.  Most are not thinking just stop the  crying.
The fact is, most are thinking “ I feel for you.  I know exactly how you feel and I am glad it is not me.”
So the next time this happens to you, just go about your business knowing that you are doing your best and one day too soon you will also be thinking “ I feel for you, I am glad it is not me trying to stop the baby crying.”